How to Control Emotions During a Difficult Conversation
When you’re in the middle of a
conflict, it’s common to automatically enter into a “fight or flight”
mentality. But it’s possible to interrupt this response and clear a path
towards entering into a more productive discussion. Start by taking a deep
breath and focusing.
When you’re stuck in a heated
argument or a tough talk, it’s pretty normal to feel all stirred up inside.
It’s like, you think you’re under attack because you might have to let go of
something important to you. It could be your opinion, the usual way you do
things, the belief that you’re correct, or even your control over the
situation. Your body gets ready for a fight, just like it would if you were
facing real danger. This is because of something called the sympathetic nervous
system kicking in.
Now, this reaction is totally
natural, but here’s the catch: our bodies and brains can’t really tell the
difference between a serious threat (like a wild bear chasing you) and a
not-so-serious one (like not getting what you want in a work project). So, what
happens? Your heart starts racing, your breathing gets faster, your muscles get
all tight, and your blood starts flowing away from your organs to your muscles.
All this can make you feel pretty uncomfortable.
In short, it’s like your body is
preparing for a big showdown, even when the problem isn’t actually
life-threatening. It’s just how we’re wired, but it can make dealing with
disagreements a lot harder than they need to be.
When you’re upset, it’s hard to
think straight and solve a problem. If you get too stressed, like what happens
in a ‘fight or flight’ situation, you might not be able to use the part of your
brain that helps you make smart choices. That’s important when you’re trying to
work through a tough talk. If you’re not thinking clearly, the person you’re
talking to can tell. They might see you getting red or talking fast. And
because we tend to pick up on other people’s feelings, your stress might make
them stressed too. Suddenly, the talk can go off track, and the disagreement
gets worse.
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Common Negative Emotions at Work
In 1997, Bond University
professor of management Cynthia Fisher conducted a study called "Emotions
at Work: What Do People Feel, and How Should We Measure It?
According to Fisher's research,
the most common negative emotions experienced in the workplace are as Frustration/irritation,
Worry/nervousness, Anger/aggravation, Dislike, and Disappointment/unhappiness.
Frustration/Irritation:
Frustration often happens when
you feel like you’re not making progress or are unable to advance in some way.
It might be because a coworker is hindering your preferred project, a manager
who’s too chaotic to make it to your meeting promptly, or just waiting on the
phone for a long time.
No matter the cause, it’s crucial
to address feelings of frustration swiftly, as they can quickly escalate to
more intense emotions like anger.
Stop and Evaluate – A great
strategy is to pause mentally and assess the situation. Question why you’re
feeling frustrated. Jot it down with specifics. Then, identify one positive
aspect of your current circumstance. For example, if your manager is late for
your meeting, you now have extra time to get ready. Alternatively, you could
use this time to unwind a bit.
Find Something Positive –
Reflecting on a positive element of your situation can often shift your
perspective. This minor adjustment in your mindset can enhance your mood. When
individuals are the source of your frustration, it’s unlikely they’re
intentionally trying to upset you. And if it’s an object that’s troubling you –
it’s definitely not taking it personally! There’s no need to become upset; just
proceed forward.
Recall the Last Instance of
Frustration – The previous time you felt frustrated about something, the issue
likely resolved itself after some time, correct? Your feelings of frustration
or annoyance probably didn’t contribute much to solving the problem then, which
suggests they’re not particularly helpful to you at this moment either.
The key is to manage frustration
constructively, ensuring it doesn’t hinder your well-being or productivity.
Worry/Nervousness
Don’t let fear and anxiety about
job security overwhelm you. It’s natural to be concerned about layoffs, but
excessive worry can harm your mental health, reduce your productivity, and make
you hesitant to take necessary risks at work.
Avoid negative environments. If
your colleagues are constantly discussing layoffs and spreading fear, it’s
better to stay away from such conversations. Worrying can become a cycle that
only leads to more anxiety.
Practice deep-breathing
exercises. This technique involves inhaling slowly for five seconds and then
exhaling slowly for another five seconds. Repeat this process at least five
times to help calm your mind and body.
Be proactive in your job. Instead
of worrying about being laid off, focus on ways to improve your work
performance and demonstrate your value to the company.
Keep a worry log. Write down your
concerns in a notebook and set aside a specific time to address them. This
allows you to temporarily forget these worries and focus on your tasks.
Maintain your self-confidence.
Worrying can affect your confidence. Engage in activities that boost your
self-esteem and ensure that your concerns do not prevent you from being
assertive when necessary.
Uncontrolled anger is often the
most harmful emotion in the workplace. Many people struggle to manage it effectively.
If you find it difficult to keep your temper in check at work, then mastering
anger management is crucial for job retention.
Be alert to the early warning
signs of anger – Only you can identify your personal triggers, so it’s
important to recognize them early. Addressing anger before it escalates is
essential. Remember, your reaction to a situation is a choice. An instinctive
angry response isn’t always the right one.
If you feel anger rising, pause
your actions – Shut your eyes and engage in the deep-breathing technique we’ve
discussed before. This helps disrupt the cycle of angry thoughts and steers you
towards a more constructive mindset.
Visualize yourself when angry –
Reflecting on your appearance and behaviour during anger can offer valuable
insight. For example, before yelling at a colleague, picture how you might
appear. Is your face flushed? Are you gesturing wildly? Consider whether you’d
like to collaborate with someone behaving that way. Chances are, you wouldn’t.
Work with Everyone: We might face
situations where we have to work with people we don’t like. It’s crucial to
stay professional in such cases.
Show Respect: Even if you don’t
get along with someone, put your personal feelings aside. Treat them with the
same courtesy and respect you’d show to anyone else. Don’t stoop to
unprofessional behaviour just because they do.
Stand Your Ground: If someone is
rude or unprofessional, assertively tell them you won’t tolerate such
treatment, and then leave the situation peacefully. Lead by example.
Understanding Emotions: Feeling
disappointed or unhappy at work can be challenging. These emotions are likely
to affect how well you do your job. If you’re dealing with a big letdown, you
might feel low on energy, hesitant to take risks, and this could prevent you
from succeeding.
Mindset Matters: It’s important
to accept that not everything will go as planned. Life isn’t a straight
path—it’s full of ups and downs. And it’s these very challenges that make life
interesting.
Goal Adjustment: If you didn’t
achieve a goal, it doesn’t mean it’s out of reach. Keep aiming for it, but
consider making a small tweak—like giving yourself more time. There are
effective ways to bounce back from career setbacks.
Reflect and Write: Pinpoint
what’s causing your unhappiness. Is it a colleague? Your role? Too much
workload? Once you know the issue, think of solutions or ways to manage it.
Remember, you have the ability to change your circumstances.
The Power of a Smile: It may seem
odd, but just the act of smiling—or even forcing a grin—can make you feel
happier. This is part of our human nature. Give it a try; the results might
surprise you!
Fortunately, it’s possible to halt
this physical reaction, control your emotions, and pave the way for a
constructive conversation. There are several strategies you can employ to
maintain your composure during a dialogue or to soothe yourself if you’ve
become agitated.
Breathe. Simple mindfulness
practices can be incredibly helpful in stressful situations, and the most
direct and accessible method is to focus on your breathing. When you notice
tension building, concentrate on your breath. Observe the feeling of air moving
in and out of your lungs. Sense it flowing through your nose or down your
throat. This will divert your attention from the physical symptoms of stress
and help you stay grounded. Some mindfulness practitioners recommend counting
your breaths—for instance, inhaling and exhaling to the count of six, or
counting each exhale until you reach ten before beginning again.
Focus on your body. Remaining
motionless during a challenging conversation can cause emotions to intensify
rather than subside. Experts suggest that getting up and moving around can
engage the rational part of your brain. If you’re sitting at a table with
someone else, you might be reluctant to stand up abruptly. That’s
understandable. Instead, you could say, ‘I need to stretch a bit. Do you mind
if I walk around for a while?’ If that still feels awkward, you can perform
subtle physical actions like intertwining your fingers or planting your feet
firmly on the floor and paying attention to the sensation of the ground beneath
your shoes. Mindfulness experts refer to this as ‘anchoring.’ It’s effective in
various stressful scenarios. For instance, I used to be scared of flying, but I
discovered that counting while pressing each of my fingers with my thumb helped
me break out of my cycle of worry.
Use a Mantra: Amy Jen Su suggests
that when you’re feeling stressed, repeat a simple line to yourself to help
stay calm. It’s like having a personal slogan. For example, saying “Go to
neutral” can remind you to not get too high or low emotionally. Other mantras
like “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business”
can also help you focus on the bigger picture and not take things personally.
Recognize Your Emotions: Susan
David says when you’re full of emotions, it’s hard to think straight because
your mind is too busy. To help with this, name what you’re feeling. Instead of
thinking “My co-worker is so wrong, it’s annoying,” tell yourself “I’m having
the thought that my co-worker is wrong, and I’m feeling angry.” This way, you
see your thoughts and emotions as temporary bits of information. They might be
useful, or they might not. By doing this, you create a little gap between you
and your feelings, making it easier to handle them without getting overwhelmed
or blowing up.
In essence, these tips are about
having a go-to phrase to keep your cool and stepping back to look at your
emotions as if they’re just passing clouds, not storms that control you.
Taking a break is something we
don’t do enough, but it’s really helpful. When you’re feeling all worked up,
it’s good to step away for a bit. This helps you calm down and not feel so
overwhelmed. So, if you’re in a heated discussion, it’s okay to take a moment
for yourself. Maybe grab a chai or some water, use the restroom, or just walk
around your office for a little bit.
When you decide to take this
break, give a simple reason that doesn’t make the other person think you’re
trying to run away from the conversation. You could say something like, “Hey,
I’m going to grab a quick coffee. Would you like anything while I’m up?”
Remember, it’s not just you who
might be upset. The person you’re talking to might also be feeling angry or
frustrated. Even though you might want to tell them to chill out, nobody likes
being told what to do. Sometimes, you just need to let them speak their mind.
It’s tough not to argue back if they’re coming at you, but arguing won’t help
the situation.
Jeanne Brett, who teaches how to
sort out disagreements, says imagine the harsh words flying past you instead of
hitting you straight in the heart. But, don’t just ignore them; show that
you’re paying attention. If you don’t react with anger to their upset words,
they’ll probably start to calm down after a while.
Dealing with arguments at work
can be really hard. But if you just push through the conversation while you’re
still angry, you won’t fix anything or stay on good terms. These tips should
help you go from being mad to being as calm as a cucumber.
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